The Computers that He Loves Like They Were His Own Organs
April 25th, 2007Tonight I was a bit cranky, and my little laptop was giving me trouble. I had to curse it a few times, because the track-pad wouldn’t work. Stevel was in the room, so he came over to try and make peace between the two of us—his wife, who he loves okay, and one of the house Macs, which he loves PASSIONATELY MAKE OUT WITH ME COME ON [SLURP] OH!
Of course, he was able to make the track-pad work just fine FOR HIM. Back and forth we went, and every time I tried to use it, nothin’. Every time HE used it, magic. This is called, Computers are Insane, Creepy Robots that Are Actually Alive and Hate Me.
Then he said, “Go clean off your hands.”
“I just got out of the bath-tub,” I shot back, “My hands could not BE more clean.”
“I mean, wash the stuff off of them.”
Here, I fumed, because the “stuff” to which he refers is, I contend, something a computer should be able to function despite. It’s called Lotion, and some people NEED it, because not everyone has naturally tender baby-skin all over themselves. I have already been discriminated against for my dry skin—which, mind you, is dry from all of the cleaning and slaving I do [moves back of hand dramatically to forehead]—by the guy at the Genius Bar at the Apple Store, who I spoke to when the letters on the keyboard of this same laptop started fading off. Am I wrong to think THAT SHOULDN’T HAPPEN??? No. And that is why they gave me a new keyboard, but not without first suggesting haughtily that I stop using Lotion. Sure, and when my hands fall off, I’m coming to the Genius Bar to shake my stumps at you, Mr. Genius! How about this instead: Since Lotion is a GENTLE thing, a HELPFUL thing, which is not CAUSTIC ACID, can we use some kind of paint that doesn’t make the replacement keyboard on my laptop already look like the old one, LIKE THIS? Get on it, “Geniuses.”
Meanwhile, my mouse is acting funky. When this happens, Stevel fixes it with a technically skilled technique called Rubbing It All Over the Place Real Fast.
But the point of this story was to tell you that before he went upstairs for the evening to continue training hard at Guitar Hero, Stevel said, “Are you going to yell at me anymore?”
I was confused. “What? When did I yell?”
“Earlier, with the computer thing.”
“But when did I yell at YOU?”
“Earlier, with the computer thing.”
“I was yelling at the computer.”
“I know …”
And this is why we have established Trust Funds for each of our Macs, so when they mature, they can afford to go to college and have happy lives. And it is why we carry photos of them in our wallets.
April 25th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Maybe you should invest in one of those keyboard covering thingies. (Technical term, of course.) So your Mac can go to college with all of its letters.
April 25th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Boys and their Toys. Where is your can of dust remover? Or in your case a can of lotion remover. I really think Apple should carry a complete line of cosmetics for female/male Apple users who still want to look nice and geeky all at the same time. While still maintaining the integrity of the oh so sensetive souls of their offspring.
After all I do not want you to be the cause for my grandchildren being traumitized and having to undergo extensive therapy in the future. Maybe they should come and live with Grandad and Grandmother (like that would work, Grandmother lives for hand lotion). Like Stevel could part with his beloved children!
April 26th, 2007 at 5:44 am
It seems to me that, if they can make a “tough” notebook that keeps on working after being dropped and spilled on (I have actually seen this in a commercial on TV), they ought to make one that can take a little hand lotion and not be defaced. Millions of women and men use hand lotion regularly. This is a legitimate complaint that should be listened to by the manufacturers. Hand-Lotion Users – UNITE!
April 26th, 2007 at 9:29 am
I don’t have to use lotion because I have this wonderful condition called hyperhydrosis. The thing is, when my hands are any more damp than almost-not-at-all, the trackpad refuses to respond to my fingers. Gah!
April 26th, 2007 at 11:26 am
Hmm, allow me to quite Sir Kurzweil:
“An analysis of the history of technology shows that technological change is exponential, contrary to the common-sense “intuitive linear” view. So we won’t experience 100 years of progress in the 21st century — it will be more like 20,000 years of progress (at today’s rate). The “returns,” such as chip speed and cost-effectiveness, also increase exponentially. There’s even exponential growth in the rate of exponential growth. Within a few decades, machine intelligence will surpass human intelligence, leading to The Singularity — technological change so rapid and profound it represents a rupture in the fabric of human history. The implications include the merger of biological and nonbiological intelligence, immortal software-based humans, and ultra-high levels of intelligence that expand outward in the universe at the speed of light.”
So! Nothing to worry about in the near-short-long term. Today’s Macs, sophisticated as they may seem, are but the 8-track of our times! Shortly all frustrations will be forever resolved in the glow of permanent, everlasting, and infinite whateverness.
The rest.
April 26th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Jeremy Sr. Thy words doth pierce poor Stevels’ heart organ! Forsooth..forshame