What’s Coming, What’s Here

August 4th, 2007

Some people who haven’t experienced depression think it’s simply sadness. But depression is a thick, numbing smoke that rolls in. It clouds over the things you enjoy and care about; you catch glimpses of them sometimes, but they are never tangible. You sit there breathing in the smoke like a blob, hopeless and frustrated. You can’t reach out. You barely see breathing as being worth it. You barely feel anything.

The danger in depression comes when you can’t identify it for what it is. When you think the world has actually become dreary, and that you’ve become pointless. When you can’t see that it’s the same world it was, and that you’re the same person you were, before, when everything was fine, but instead think the sense of pointlessness and dreariness represents reality. Then you don’t know it can be the way it was again. You start to look for ways out—artificial happiness or stimuli, or worse, an exit.

I’ve never been to those darkest places. I’ve been fortunate myself to develop depression late enough in life to have learned from a lot of people close to me what it looks like and how it tricks. I’m not saying I’m always able to quickly react and address it. Only that I’ve never failed to identify it.

Depression happens for a number of reasons. It can be genetic, or it can develop as a result of—or as a side effect of coping mechanisms we develop to deal with—situations we live within when we’re young. The latter is tough to reprogram, but, with a lot of work, it’s very possible. The former is chemical. Depression can also develop as a result of ongoing stress, a life-situation that goes against the things that make us essentially satisfied as individuals. If we try to fit ourselves into a life that isn’t suited to our natures, it’s depressing. Stay married to the wrong person, or stay in a job that disagrees with your personal ethics, and you’ll know it.

I guess I’m thinking about this because I’ve been depressed lately. Steve and I are expecting, and while I know the blog entry about that should be celebratory and wonderful, I haven’t been feeling well, to say the least. I’m on five different medications right now for nausea, feel stressed out by social interaction, have barely left my house in a month, and am finding it difficult to imagine I will like having a kid weighing me down. It’s all very unfair of me, because I wanted this very much and am so lucky to be physically healthy with it. Those of you closest to me know I’ve been saying for two years how much I want a baby. Right now I feel like that was nature taking over and talking through me, and not my essential self talking, and that’s depressing.

I don’t need to hear how much I’m going to love being a mother. I know all that stuff—how I’ll “fall in love” with the baby, etc. I know. And I know this sickness will end, and I’ll probably regret having told the entire Internet how I didn’t look forward to the very thing I’m so fortunate to be receiving right now. All I know is these three things: (1) the Internet—blogs and IMs—has been my life preserver from the outside world many times, (2) this is how I feel right now, and (3) I’m working on it.

Thanks for always being patient with me.

7 Responses to “What’s Coming, What’s Here”

  1. Christina Says:

    Oh friend. A prayer right now and many later. You are in my head and my heart.

  2. Sista' Says:

    Wishing I could just stop over on my way home from work tomorrow and hug you….XOXOXO

  3. cindy Says:

    Expecto Patronum

  4. bridgey Says:

    HUGS! We love you.

  5. dad Says:

    Okay Cindy can the Latin stuff I do not know. Habla Espanol?

    Any way Krissy what you are going through is a form of Pre-partum depression. It is rare but not uncommon. Particularly among women in their mid to late thirties.

    It denotes a radical change in life. And I mean about your whole life. Your Life style, your career choices, your freedom. All gone, a shock to anyones psyche to say the least. What helps get you through it is Love and patience. And ALL, and by this I mean the Cindy, Bridget, Chrifanny, Emmers, Marisol, etc. sisters and the rest of your family (Sista, Nieces, Moms and Dads (of which you are fortunate to have two sets of)will be there for you any time of the day or night. I am sure that I am speaking for all of us, when I say you can call any of us at any time. Do not worry about the hour, day or location. We are all there for you. Just reach out if you need any of us. And do not worry about the hour, we wake up for the ones we love.

    Just remember that this is a situation in which you are a bystander. The babies needs will dictate a lot of your actions and reactions. So the best anyone can do is sit back (as long as you can, you won’t be able to in months 8 and 9)pamper yourself. Get ALL OF THE REST you can (because rest ceases to exist for a few years).Control what you are able and accept what you can not control.

    The adage is that the tougher the pregnancy is, the easier the child is to raise. So I expect a well behaved GRANDAUGHTER. Who will be potty trained at 6 months. Walking at 9 months. Talking at 10 months. And reading and writing at 1 year. Of course this also means that she will be dissing Mom (you) Dad (Stevel) Grandparents and Aunts, Uncles and Cousins at ten years of age.

    She will have your looks with Stevel’s curly hair and his smoky intense eyes (gorgeous). I think I will call her Sweetheart. You and Stevel can call her anytime Momma/Poppa, Granddad/Grandmother are within cell phone range for you to find the set of us who has her.

  6. ma Says:

    One day at a time – just get through one day at a time. Don’t worry about how long it will last or what it will be like later. Just get through the day. It will get better – I promise. Love you!

  7. Tracey Says:

    Oh my friend. I know all too well the distress you are feeling. I will tell you what I had to tell a friend (who has no children) when she thought it terrible that i said I HATE being pregnant. There is a big difference between hating the pregnancy and hating the child. The two, though connected, are not synonamous. It also took a lot of adjusting to not being able to think only of my wants and my needs. I won’t lie…I love my children and can’t imagine a world without them, but sometimes I long for the freedom of caring only for myself, if just for a moment.

Leave a Reply