An Informative Piece for Pubescent Girls Who Have or Will Begin to Menstruate
June 23rd, 2008In fifth grade, the boys and girls were separated for an afternoon. While the boys went to Mrs. Stillman’s room to ask questions like, “What does ‘rubber’ mean?,” we girls gathered in Mrs. Leonard’s room to meet with the school nurse to watch Julie’s Story and hear the answers to questions like the one Michele Steve asked: “What happens if the string falls off?”
But in 2008, we need to add an important new chapter to this lesson: How to Properly Google a Man. No woman should go on a date without a thorough Google, as I learned too-late in Savannah after an unfortunately POST-date search-engine session revealed that the guy I’d gone out with that evening either (a) had two kids and a wife and wanted to move to Australia to become a golf pro, or (b) was weird enough to claim to have two kids and a wife on some golf bulletin board in order to get tips on how to move to Australia and become a golf pro. Either way, sketchy, no? (He had a very unusual name, and some of the details in the bulletin-board post confirmed it was indeed the very same guy.)
Anyway, I’ll be teaching Violet to do this as I coach her about being mindful of the image she presents of herself online (try not to mention your boobs or poop more than three times per blog entry, for example). After the obvious networking sites (MySpace, FaceBook, Classmates, etc.), it becomes all about keywords. Here’s how you do it:
[1] Remember to try alternate spellings of his name, including obvious nicknames (e.g. “Steve,” “Stephen,” “Steven,” “Stevie”).
[2] After this it becomes all about keywords. Try his name and the name of his company, or his name and his hobby (For example “Steve LaVietes” and “Rock Band” brings up a link to this).
[3] Skim relevant return articles thoroughly in search of additional keywords. If at the bottom of an article in his office newsletter about his latest game of basketball with the accounting dept. team there’s a quote in which he mentions that he had to skip post-game celebrations to feed his chihuahua, Google his name and “chihuahua.” Then Google his name and “accounting,” his name and the company name, etc.
[4] Don’t limit yourself to the first three returns. Skim the first 10-20 returns the search engine spits out. Never know.
[5] In the network sites, be thorough. Click on his friends (esp. the female ones), and read comments he has made to them.
[6] If anything sketchy pops, but you still want that date, you can always check your state’s sex offender registry. I mean, that’s what it’s there for, right?
It should be noted, and taught to our daughters, that Googling doesn’t cover everything. On the Internet we can be whoever we want to be, instead of who we really are. The thing is, though, the savvier you become at using the Internet to do little background checks, the likelier you are to find information about someone that doesn’t quite sync up with that MySpace page (e.g. On MySpace, he says he’s 16, but he is listed on the Board of Directors page for a major corporation … hmmmm).
Isn’t this terrifying?
Please, girlfriends, if you have anything to add to this lesson, post comments. (Please, Dad, keep it to under nine paragraphs.)
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:56 pm
But, if you find something slightly disturbing (and I do mean slightly), don’t completely throw away hope. Don’t let Google do your judging for you. If I had let Google make up my mind early, I wouldn’t be where I am right now, which is right smack in the middle of Happy.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:58 am
Christina, I would never categorize E’s penchant for wearing women’s thong underpants as “disturbing.” That’s totally acceptable.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Ther’s a LIMIT!!!???
I have two (2) daughters, one (1) step-daughter and three (3) stupendously gorgeous adorable grandaughters, and you want me to keep it under 9 paragraphs.
Just follow my one (1) simple rule. DON’T DATE, ANYONE. At all. Ever. Live at home with Dad or Grandad.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:34 am
I have a tip for people you’ve met online before meeting them in person: trust your gut! If someone gives up an “off” vibe on the internet, something is probably not right.
June 24th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
A long, long time ago, parents used to carefully screen and choose eligible men for their daughters. Young men who wanted to marry a beautiful and gentile young woman had to work toward having a life that showed that they were worthy of that. Parents who wanted the best for their daughters loved this system because it gave them the ability to set up their daughter’s future for her with a man that their years of wisdom told them was a good match. But it had a major flaw – it disregarded the emotional and physical attraction of the two people who were supposed to live their lives together. Although many marriages made that way ended up being love matches, many more ended up being traps of loveless unhappiness.
Screening your dates on-line, before or after you go out with them, is a really good idea and can help you avoid danger, heartache and wasted time on future bad dates. Just don’t count on what you learn on there to convince your heart that you’re better off leaving this guy in the dust if your heart is convinced that he’s the one. There is a powerful force that draws two people together that has nothing to do with reason or logic or what’s on the internet. Anybody who’s ever fallen in love knows that the heart has a mind of it’s own and simply won’t be told whom to love and not love.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
You did’nt limit your Mom!
What’s that about? Huh?
OFOA (Oppressed Fathers Of America)
June 27th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
http://kbags.wordpress.com/2008/06/24/my-mom-is-an-internet-detective/
June 27th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
This is very thorough. Are boys already beating the door down to meet Violet? She IS super-cute!
June 28th, 2008 at 4:58 am
I will be using this post in ALL my classes to bring greater awareness to power of the keyword when doing internet research.
June 28th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Uh, limit both our parents. And no fighting via the comments to your daughters blog, please.
Seriously, for fun I am going to go and Google Brian now….I will let you know how that turns out.
June 29th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Oh man, I just read the site Cindy linked to. HILARIOUS! It’s like when Sarah’s mother asked her about my describing our weekend in Vegas as including DEBAUCHERY. Why all caps, she wanted to know. Just HOW DEBAUCHED were we!