It’s time I shared my secrets. As someone who lives in Southern California, I have to keep up with THE latest trends in interior design, and I do, of course. But I have some DIY tips you can take advantage of no matter what your budget, and whether or not you have kids. Read on to see what I mean …

[1]

Hand-print Feng Shui is all the rage. For this one, if you don’t have kids of your own, you may need to entice someone else’s kids to help you; adult-sized handprints are a dead giveaway that you’re into knockoffs, and you want your guests to think you spare no expense or effort to be stylish. That said, you can spare every expense and effort if you Google “Make your own finger paint.” But if, like me, you’re much too lazy, you can pick up some at any arts and crafts store. Now, the key here is to make a few handprints on some paper before embellishing the wall; that way, it looks as if a creative child has been painting, painting, painting away until that split-second adult supervision lagged, when BAM, the wall got a high-five.

[2]

Play Doh in the carpet is so hot right now, and you don’t have to have kids to make it happen. Authenticity is easy to fake in this case. Just pick up some Play Doh at your local toy store, or better yet, order it online for ease and convenience. Remove it from the containers and mix it up—yes, it’s crucial the colors mingle, preferably to the point of being a single brown wad. Next, break the wad into tiny pieces, sprinkle them on the carpet, and grind, grind, grind them in with your hands and the soles of your shoes. It’s that easy!

[3]

Furniture crumbs and a light dusting of playground sand on all surfaces: Here in L.A., no one steps foot into a house without these. Three-week-old raisins, dried pieces of string cheese, and cracker bits make your couch worthy of any celebrity bottom. Similarly, a few apple juice stains on a light carpet will elevate your social status in a moment, and sprinkling a little playground sand around is so 2010.

[4]

Fancy up: Furnish with broken fixtures. If you don’t have at least one lamp that looks like a drunken hobo monkey swung from it while waving a jug of moonshine around, you need a total home makeover, because what are you thinking? This is so easy to do! Begin with a nice, department store lamp. Next, whack the lamp-shade with a hammer. Remember: Dents in the lampshade are nice, but a huge tear makes a great focal point in any room. You can scrape a little sandpaper along any exposed surfaces, and do your best to bend anything bendable. Finally, don’t forget to snap off the switch so there’s no way to turn the lamp on or off with pliers. It’s THE thing to do to have a broken lamp with pliers next to it; everyone knows what this means (that you’re HIGH CLASS).

[5]

So you’ve got the carpet, the furniture, the lighting … Now as designers and stagers alike will tell you, no decor is complete without considering the five senses. You’ve just GOT to get that diaper-pail scent. But how, you ask? Well, first, it’s amazing how much most people associate the smell of baby powder, baby lotion, and baby wipes with dirty diapers. So pick up travel sizes of all of these items and leave them open in the living room. Now get your hands on a dirty diaper. If you don’t have a personal supply, I can sell you one cheap. You need to wad up the diaper and enclose it in a tight-lidded plastic container in the bathroom for a few days. Then when you open the container, the scent will pervade your home in no time.

I know it takes some effort to be as stylish as we are out here in L.A. I wish you all the best in your ambitions, and I hope you’ll share your own tips. As they say on HGTV, Make the world a better place—start at home.