Why I Would Make a Good Secret Service Agent

June 18th, 2007

RESUME—Kristan LaVietes

A job as a Secret Service agent that utlizes my special skills, talents, and experience

M.F.A. in Creative Writing from Cal State, Long Beach
B.A. in Advertising/Public Relations from Penn State
B.A. in English/Creative Writing from Penn State

Also received special training in the form of two years in which my younger sister and I were both teenagers attending the same high school. We fought daily over clothes and boys. In order to survive, I had to develop the fighting skills of a lithe cougar.

Additionally, I watch crime shows every day as a constant “virtual training” regimen. I know what to watch for, especially in Miami and on the streets of New York, and I know I’m not supposed to punch anyone without identifying myself as a Secret Service agent first.

I lived for a while in a very bad area in Las Vegas, so I know what gunshots sound like, and I have the reflexes of a rabbit. We—you and I—will be the first in the crowd to duck and cover, Mister President.

One time, my crawling-stage niece yanked a snow-globe off of a shelf, and it cracked into a million pieces. I dove for her, lifted her above the glass and water, and set her safely down in the next room. Mister President, you could be that safe baby.

Several times, my pet African frogs leapt from their tank and made for the crevices of apartments I lived in. Not once—in all their seven years—did I fail to recover them. These many completed missions demonstrate my commitment to protecting even the most disgusting of charges from harm, regardless of their genus or species.

I wear either headphones or earplugs about 60 percent of the time I am awake, so my ears are communication-bud-ready.

I have several aliases at the ready, including “Krissy,” “Aunt Krissy,” “SoMercurial,” and “Legs.” This helps me elude would-be infiltrators who would study my vulnerabilities in an effort to “get to me” in order to get to you.

On a recent road-trip, I managed to not run out of gas, despite arduous conditions and my own poor decision-making abilities. This was accomplished with the help of advisory friends, which shows my ability to work as part of a team.

I have a black suit and many pairs of dark glasses and have, in fact, been wearing these around town in the last few months, acting like I’m getting commands in an ear-piece—all in the name of preparation.

I am ready, Sir, to guard you against all threats, and to look like a pro doing it. I look forward to interviewing with you at 0900 hours, at which time I will arrive stealthily in your office.